More and more people are googling the words: "how to survive zombie apocalypse."
I'm not surprised, considering the direction of the world we're living in. Anything can happen at anytime, and we need to be prepared.
Here is the definitive guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse.
May it save you and your family from becoming nutritious meals for the undead.
Being prepared for any kind of apocalypse is extremely important, especially with the current state of world affairs, but the zombie variety requires special preparation not only in terms of supplies and equipment, but in terms of your own psychology.
Unlike other types of apocali (that's plural for apocalypse... at least as far as I’m concerned), a zombie apocalypse may require you to unleash an epic amount of whoop-ass, the likes of which you may not have seen before, or even thought possible.
Can you throw away all the intricate rules of civil behavior your elders have wisely instilled in you since birth, pick up a sledgehammer, and smash those putrid zombie brains in spectacular fashion?
Can you pick up a chainsaw, suppress all the safe handling tips you learned from YouTube, and swing that bad boy wildly while spinning in a circle, splitting dozens of zombie skulls like so many rotten cantaloupes?
Can you do these things, even if the emotionless, sagging faces of those zombies once belonged to your friends, siblings, and even your parents?
If not, then it may be your destiny to become a zombie yourself, and that's okay, because you can’t have a zombie apocalypse without zombies.
The International Order of Zombies would be delighted to have you join their ranks, especially as more of them get chainsawed by guys like me.
However, if your life ambitions extend beyond wandering aimlessly in search of living human flesh to dine on, then read on...
You can hunker down at home, or bug the hell out. Which method you choose depends on your unique situation.
Most zombie apocali begin in cities where overcrowding spreads germs, and social engineering causes people to accept medical products with no long-term human safety trials.
If you live in the city, I advise you to bug the hell out of town at the first sign of a zombie apocalypse.
You are in much more danger of becoming surrounded by the undead (with no hope of escape) than your rural brethren.
Step 1: Grab your bugout bag and get the hell out of there!
A bugout bag is simply a large camping backpack containing everything you need to survive the outdoors long enough to escape the zombie threat.
(For details on exactly what items your bag should have, checkout this article here. But basically, it should contain food, water, temporary shelter, and weapons. That is the absolute minimum, and it must be ready to go on a moments notice.)
Step 2: Find some sort of vehicle and drive as far from major cities as possible!
Steal a car if you need to.
You are unlikely to get arrested in the first few hours after stealing it, and that’s all the time you'll need to escape while civilization (including the police department) collapses.
Don’t steal a hummer. I know it would be fun to survive a zombie apocalypse by squashing those suckers into smelly meat pancakes, but hummers get horrible gas mileage, and you want to cover as much distance as possible with each precious tank of gas.
Don’t steal an RV for the same reason.
No. Let me explain.
If you become privy to the zombie apocalypse early enough, there’s still a chance you can get your uninfected butt on a plane and fly to a safe country.
You must do this before everyone else knows what's going on, at which point, all flights out of town will be canceled.
So don’t go blabbing to everyone about the need to survive the zombie apocalypse. I know that's cold blooded, but trust me.
AT BEST, they’ll just ridicule you as a tinfoil hat wearing “conspiracy theorist.” At worst, they’ll steal your car, money, and granola bars while escaping themselves.
If you packed your bugout bag right, it should include a fistful of cash and your passport, as suggested in this article.
Spend whatever you need to on an airline ticket, and don’t throw a fit when they charge extra for the weight of your bag. Your bugout bag is precious, and your money is going to be worthless in a few hours.
Go ahead and splurge on a 1st class ticket, you big cheapskate!
Choose a beautiful island as far from your home country as possible. Zombies can’t swim or fly planes, so if you make it to an island that remains uninfected, you’ll be perfectly safe.
Unless, of course, that island’s population somehow does become infected, in which case you’re almost certainly screwed. Almost.
In this case, steal a yacht, stock it with a ton of fishing gear, and commit to spending a few years living like Kevin Costner in Water World. Let the zombie apocalypse play itself out while you enjoy a life of freedom on the high seas.
Don’t forget to bring a pirate flag. On the ocean, all other flags are lame compared to a pirate flag.
If you live in a rural area, it could be months before the city zombies run out of enough living human flesh to subsist on, at which point they may begin wandering in your direction. That should give you time to prepare.
You must gather your home supplies long before any kind of apocalypse hits, let alone the zombie variety. Begin stocking food and water now!
Unlike the food and water in your bugout bag, weight is not an issue. Keep 1 gallon of water per person, per day, for at least 10 days. 5 gallon jugs are great for this.
In the summer when zombies get hot, they like to cool their feet off in the local reservoir, so you’ll need at least two methods of water purification.
Skip this step if you enjoy the crisp, cool taste of zombie-toe-jam flavored drinking water.
Did you know?
"Zombie" is an adaptation of the African word "nzambi," which means 'God.'
Store as much canned food as possible in a cool, dry place - two weeks worth, minimum.
Don’t store it in the shed where temperature fluctuations throughout the year will cause them to disintegrate, or where smart zombies can surround it, starving you out until you’re so hungry, you'll start craving THEIR flesh.
(Although, to be honest, a battle between human-eating zombies and zombie-eating humans would be frickin’ badass!)
Keep all food in the house.
If you buy rice, get white. Brown rice is very nutritious, and good nutrition will help you survive a zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately, it spoils too fast.
Don’t be the knucklehead who throws their emergency food away as soon as it gets past the printed expiration date. At the height of a zombie apocalypse when all food is scarce, that expired can of spam will taste like fillet mignon, I promise.
Ready for a pre-apocalyptic workout? Great!
Grab a shovel and dig a trench around your entire house. If you make it 8 feet wide, all but the most athletic zombies won’t be able to jump across.
Make it 8 feet deep and zombies who fall in won’t be able to climb out - not with their pathetically shriveled finger muscles and rotting tendons.
Now put up a chain link fence around the outer perimeter of your property. This fence will stop the zombie advance in two ways:
1) Zombies suck at climbing.
2) They LOVE clinging onto chain link fences and moaning to no one in particular. Its a strange hobby, but hey, it distracts them from eating your brains.
Board up every first floor window in your house. Leave gaps large enough to aim your rifles and shotguns out of.
I know what your thinking. You’ve seen zombies punch through boarded up windows like rice paper.
I believe this is because frugal home owners often purchase their boards from the same guys who sell them to strip-mall karate schools.
Get yours from Home Depot or Lowes and you’ll be alright.
Next, install at least 4 security cameras outside your house, one for each side of your property. Even if the zombie apocalypse never happens, you can enjoy spending several hours a day surveilling your property like Tony Montana.
Just try to lay off the yayo, mang. At least once shtf.
When it comes to surviving a zombie apocalypse, shotguns are absolutely the way to go.
You can load it with 00 buckshot which has tremendous stopping power, but your effective range will be limited to about 30 yards, and only a direct head shot can kill a zombie.
Therefore, when it comes to zombies, I suggest 1 oz slugs. Slugs have even greater stopping power than 00 buckshot and are accurate from as far as 75 yards away.
The kinetic energy of a 1 oz slug should be enough to completely liquefy an entire zombie head.
Slugs have so much energy behind them, even a hit to the stomach or chest is likely to send a zombie tumbling, begging to “parlay.” So do what cops do and simply aim for the center of mass.
Head shots are more glorious, I know. But if you miss, you’re just wasting ammo, and its a mortal sin to waste ammo in a zombie apocalypse.
In addition to a good long range weapon like a slug filled shotgun, you’re going to need short range weapons.
Chainsaws, sledgehammers, swords, bowie knives, and baseball bats with spikes in them are the traditional weapons of choice for surviving a zombie apocalypse.
To these I would add glow-in-the-dark nun-chucks. Just take any pair of ordinary nun-chucks and apply a liberal amount of glow in the dark paint to both handles. Hold them under a bright lamp for 30 seconds prior to battle.
If you’re fighting zombies at such a close range that any of these weapons become useful, there’s a 99% chance you’re about to become a zombie yourself.
You have failed at "how to survive zombie apocalypse," but don't get down on yourself just yet!
You can still earn your place in Valhalla by making your last moments of humanity as gloriously violent as possible. So, charge up those glow-in-the-dark chucks, turn off the lights, and start cracking some zombie skulls!
Valor pleases Crom.
Wherever your home is, its unlikely to remain safe forever. The zombies will come looking for your delicious brains eventually, so its very important to have a vehicle parked nearby, preloaded with extra gas cans of good quality. (These are great.)
Ready to survive the zombie apocalypse in epic, Indiana Jones-like fashion?
Run a zip line from the top of your roof to the ground next to your vehicle. Keep a bundle of road flares in your house.
If zombies ever surround your property, chuck a handful of burning flares to the ground around your car. Zombies hate fire.
Once most of them have cleared, ride that zip line to your car like Chozen from The Karate Kid 2 (don't forget to yell "AHHHHHHH!!!!" as you do it).
As soon as you land, get in your car and bug the hell out of there!
That's it for now. Contact me if there’s anything you think I should add, so that any person googling "how to survive zombie apocalypse" can avoid having their brains eaten.
I’ll update this article as additional experience and zombie knowledge is acquired.