How to Kill Ants: Godzilla has nothing on you!

Knowing how to kill ants is an essential survival skill everyone needs to have. 

Ants can invade your kitchen, ruin your picnic, and devastate the young plants in your vegetable garden. They can also make life very difficult while your bugging out in the woods.

In this article, I’ll teach you how to kill ants. 

I’ll give you all the most effective methods: conventional, chemical, natural, and freakishly unnatural.

Choose any method that fits your specific situation and desire for vengeance.

Food is Precious!

Anything that screws with your food is the enemy.

Surviving an apocalypse isn’t just about slaying zombies and dodging the plague. Its about protecting your family’s food supply, in which case your greatest adversary is only .083 feet tall.

Now lets dive in and see how we can defeat these magnificent bastards.

Are you prepared to take life?

You’re not going to kill 1 ant. 

You’re going to kill hundreds, maybe thousands - enough so that the combined height and intelligence of all your victims will add up to at least one dimwitted human being, with about the same level of sentience as Beavis and Butthead. 

Are you prepared to incur the karmic debt? 

Great!

Then lets get started!

How to Kill Ants: Know thy enemy

There are 12,000 species of ants in the world, all of whom would prefer to fight you as a gang, instead of in the much more honorable 1 on 1 format, like in Street Fighter. 

In America, only fire ants, red harvester ants, and carpenters ants attack humans. 

Fire ants and red harvesters are very aggressive and sting with their tails.

Their stings initially give you a sharp, burning pain. Then they become itchy, which usually lasts 1 to 3 days. These guys suck.

Carpenter ants don’t sting - they bite.

But they usually leave humans alone.

In fact, you’d have to do something pretty extreme to piss them off, like accidentally pee on their miniature city, or talk about their mama.

Ants communicate with pheromone trails. Its not enough to obliterate those long columns of ants invading your house.

You need to wash away their pheromone trail, too, so reinforcements don’t keep sniffing their way back. 

Windex does the trick, as does plain soap and water. A 50/50 mix of vinegar and water also works nicely, especially if you love the smell of vinegar.

How to Kill Ants: Conventional Warfare

Squishing, squashing, stomping, sweeping, and flicking ants are only half-measures better suited for drawing out the war indefinitely for profit.

Do you really want to know how to kill ants? You’ve got to reach the colony and assassinate the queen! Thats the key to everything! 

The best way to reach the queen (and her larvae) is with poison.

How to Kill Ants: Chemical Warfare

The Geneva Protocol of 1925 forbids the use of chemical weapons.

However, 70% of ant species have the ability to either spray or inject venom, usually in the form of formic acid (H2CO2), which is a toxic chemical.

So they started it!

Bait Traps - Unleash Your Wrath on the Queen and her Entire Kingdom!

When it comes to killing ants at home, bait traps are gonna be your easiest, most effective option.

They are small, plastic containers designed to attract ants and feed them poison. Place them around your house wherever ants tend to visit. 

The “poison” they contain is usually borax, also known as sodium borate, sodium tetraborate, or disodium tetraborate. 

Borax is a naturally occurring mineral designed by God while he was thinking about how to kill ants.

It interferes with an ant's digestive system, killing it slowly.

I know drawing out the death of your adversary over the course of a day or two may seem unsportsmanlike, but its important.

Your victim needs time to share the laced food with its friends, larvae, and queen.

That way they can all die together, like at Jonestown.

Are they dangerous?

Ant traps, especially the ones using borax as the active ingredient, are generally safe for placement around humans and pets. 

Obviously, its not good if your kids or chihuahua make a meal out of it, but the chemical toxicity is so low, even something as tiny as an ANT needs a day or two to die. 

Humans and their pets are a lot bigger than ants, so they’re much less affected. Just make sure to place the traps where your kids and pets cant reach them, and you guys should be alright.

How to Kill Ants: Make Your Own Bait Traps!

You can save a lot of money by making your own bait traps. This method makes it easy, fast, and fun to deal death. All you need is borax, sugar, and a plastic water bottle.

You can save a lot of money by making your own bait traps. This method makes it easy, fast, and fun to deal death.

All you need is borax, sugar, and a plastic water bottle.

Borax is sold as a household cleaner and laundry detergent booster, but its a naturally occurring mineral.

Its also really cheap, which is great if you don’t have 300 million tax payers funding your war. 

You should be able to find it in any grocery store.

Step 1: Get an empty water bottle.

Step 2: Pour in 1 part borax, 4 parts sugar. Mix it up by shaking the bottle.

Step 3: Add just enough water so that it becomes a wet paste. 

Step 4: Place the bottle on its side and cut a small hole in it, for the ants to enter. 

Leave it for a week or so, wherever you think ants will find it.


You should notice a sharp reduction in ants after just a couple of days.


How to Kill Ants While Camping! 

Diatomaceous Earth: A diabolical method of self defense.

Have you ever been attacked by demons, so you drew a big circle on the ground out of salt, then stood inside of it for protection? 

Me neither, but that’s how this works.

Diatomaceous earth is a powder made from the fossilized shells of tiny algae creatures. Its totally natural, but totally brutal on insects.

When an ant touches diatomaceous earth, the powder absorbs the fat and oil from their exoskeleton, causing them to dehydrate and die. 

Next time you go RV’ing or camping, bring a bag of this stuff with you.

Make sure to buy “food grade” diatomaceous earth, not the “pool grade” stuff which is toxic to humans. 

Spread it around your RV’s tires, jacks, cables, power cords, and anything else that touches the ground.

You can put some around the legs of your picnic table too. 

Make sure to wear a dust mask while placing it, as even food grade diatomaceous earth is bad for you if you breath it in. 

Just like demons, ants will be unable to cross your magic barrier. One or two might get through, but only at the cost of their soul.

The rest will back off and look for food elsewhere.

Diatomaceous earth doesn’t work if it gets wet, so don’t use it on rainy days.

How to Kill Ants: Unconventional Methods

Pour molten aluminum into the ant hill.

Even as warfare goes, this method is highly unorthodox and spiteful. It involves setting up a makeshift furnace, melting a few pounds of soda cans, and pouring the metal into the ant hill. 

If you try this, make sure to wait a few hours for the molten aluminum to cool down, before carefully digging up your creation.

You can attach it to a block of wood and sell it as art - some of these go for thousands of dollars.

But don’t sell it! Keep it on your mantle as a reminder of the time you unleashed your fiery wrath with god-like fury. 

Or keep it on your front porch as a warning to other ants.

Once they see what happened to the last colony, they’ll forever speak your name only in hushed tones, just like we do for Volde... Voldem.... He who must not be named. 

Crush the ants, mix them with tobacco, and smoke them???

I wish I was making this one up, but I’m not.

In parts of the United Arab Emirates, including Dubai, people smoke red ants to get high.

I don’t recommend it, as the inhaled formic acid responsible for the desired effects can also cause pulmonary fibrosis, seizures, kidney failure, and death.

But hey, cannabis is still illegal in the UAE, so what are they supposed to do? Not smoke ants? That would be crazy.

Now repent, and make your peace with these wonderful creatures!

Ants are actually good for the soil. 

Their tunnels make it easier for oxygen, water, and nutrients to reach the roots of plants and trees.

Ants pollinate flowers by crawling from bloom to bloom in search of nectar. 

They remove dead bugs and debris from your garden, hunt harmful caterpillars, and usually leave your crops alone.

They can even protect your house from termites. 

That’s right! To black ants, termites look like chicken nuggets!

So try not to massacre more ants than you need to.

Knowing how to kill ants doesn't make you a god. Well, it kind of does... To the ants, anyway.

But it doesn't mean you should wipe out entire colonies in the wild.

Kill only enough to protect your family and food supply, and to gain the grudging respect of your tiny adversaries.


And for f*ck sake, don't smoke them.


Stay alive.

-Tommy

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